Do you ever get the feeling that the main thing holding you back is…you?
Your procrastination.
Your perfectionism.
Your resistance.
Your uncertainty.
Your lack of focus.
Your fear.
Self-sabotage is when we behave in ways that hinder our own progress or success.
This behavior is extremely frustrating. Why don't we just do the things we know we need to do to move us closer to the things we say we want?
The reason is because self-sabotaging behavior is an attempt to meet certain needs or desires we have that are unconscious.
Unfortunately, these unconscious needs and desires often conflict with our conscious goals.
Let me give you some examples…
You say you want a healthy, loving relationship yet you seem to continually stay in relationships in which you are treated poorly.
Upon deeper self-reflection, you realize that a big part of your self-concept is that you are unlovable.
In this case, your self-concept ("I'm unlovable") is in conflict with what you really want (a loving relationship).
And your self-sabotaging behavior is just an attempt to meet your unconscious need for a stable identity.
If your self-concept doesn’t change, neither will your behavior.
Here’s another example…
Let’s say you’re up for a big promotion at work that you’ve been wanting for years.
But suddenly, your performance starts declining. You show up late and bomb all your presentations.
After some introspection, you realize that the thing you value most is freedom.
Since the new position will demand more of your time and energy, you unconsciously sabotage your promotion to maintain your freedom.
At the end of the day, human beings do whatever we really, truly want to do—even if it’s difficult.
If you're not doing something you say you want to do, it may be because, on some level, you don't actually want to do it.
Perhaps you have another, deeper desire of which you're not consciously aware.
For instance, if you say you want to start a business but you use your free time to scroll social media and watch TV instead, maybe you don’t actually want to start a business.
Maybe what you really want is the admiration and respect that you perceive entrepreneurs get from others. You just assumed that starting a business was the only way to get this.
So how do we deal with self-sabotage?
It starts with becoming more aware of your unconscious needs and desires.
Because if you were consciously aware of your needs, you could meet them in constructive ways rather than letting your unconscious motivations rule your behavior.
The psychologist Carl Jung made a profound observation:
“Unless you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”
I’m putting together an 8-week group coaching program based on this very idea.
In this program, I'll be guiding you through a process that helps shine a light on the unconscious aspects of yourself that are holding you back…so you can break free from your self-defeating patterns for good.
It’s not about acquiring more information (most of us already know what to do).
It’s not about reframing situations in a more positive light (you can’t outthink the unconscious).
It’s about understanding yourself on a deep level and practicing new patterns of behavior with the support of other people going through the same thing.
Enrollment for this course closes, August 30th.
Stay balanced,
Ruben