In my previous post, I laid out some of the reasons why the willingness to experience discomfort is one of the most useful skills a person can develop. In this post, I’ll explain how to begin building this skill.
Setting expectations
The reality is that life is full of unpleasant experiences. This isn’t me being negative, it’s a dispassionate observation of facts. I’m not the first to point this out, either. It’s a fundamental insight of Buddhism, Stoicism, and basically all of the world’s major religions. The solution to one problem is often the creation of another. Or, as some might say, shit happens.
One of the most fundamental questions we deal with as human beings is how to deal with the problems we encounter. The ability to effectively deal with obstacles and setbacks and return to healthy psychological functioning is a sign of resilience. Mental health and well-being aren’t achieved by eradicating all problems from our lives but by learning how to deal with them effectively.
Two kinds of problems
There are two basic kinds of problems: Internal and external. External problems show up as obstacles and unpleasant circumstances. Internal problems show up as unpleasant emotions, thoughts, and physical sensations.
I believe the first and most important step to inner peace and well-being is getting a handle on our inner problems. Namely, our emotions. The reason is simple: All of our pain can be boiled down to unpleasant emotions.
Think about it. When we react negatively to a stressful event, it’s not the event itself that causes us pain but the unpleasant emotions we feel in response to it. (By the way, the same is true of positive stimuli. It’s not positive events themselves that we like, it’s the pleasant feelings and emotions we feel in response to them.)
The important thing to understand is that we experience emotions as unpleasant bodily sensations. Emotions arise when the stories of the mind meet the physical body.
The problem isn’t that we experience unpleasant emotions — that’s unavoidable. Rather, it’s that we don’t process them effectively. Broadly speaking, there are two mistakes we make:
Mistake #1: We over-identify with our emotions and thus become controlled and consumed by them. This results in erratic behavior, loss of control, and a general lack of inner peace.
Mistake #2: We avoid dealing with negative emotions and cut ourselves off from them. This results in our pain being compounded in the future because unprocessed emotions return with a vengeance. In psychology, this is known as experiential avoidance and is a major cause of depression, anxiety, addiction, and other psychological problems.
What both of these reactions have in common is a failure to make direct contact with our emotions. Both are effectively forms of avoidance. In the first case, we are overwhelmed by our unpleasant emotions and thus try to offload the discomfort, usually through some kind of destructive behavior. In the second case, we attempt to avoid feeling unpleasant emotions altogether and, in doing so, unwittingly create more negative emotion down the road. Both approaches add an unnecessary layer of suffering to an already stressful experience.
There is, however, another way. It’s disarmingly simple, although it does take practice:
The mindful approach
An effective way to process our emotions effectively is to consciously experience them. This may sound overly simplistic to the point of condescending but bear with me.
This approach involves acknowledging, honoring, and accepting uncomfortable emotions as an inevitable part of life. It involves sitting with negative emotions and paying attention to how they feel in the body as they run their course.
We teach our brains how to respond to both inner and outer experiences. When we avoid or ignore difficult emotions, we teach our brains to react to them with anxiety and fear. When we accept and confront difficult emotions, we teach our brain to respond to them with curiosity and courage. They stop chasing us because we stop running from them. Like a child, they stop acting out when we give them the attention they crave. Over time, each of these responses becomes a habit.
Try this: The next time you encounter a stressful situation, instead of immediately reacting to it, pause for 10 seconds and notice the physical sensations you feel in your body. Is your heart beating faster? Do your ears get hot? Does your head start to pulse?
This is essentially the practice of mindfulness. When practiced formally, it is known as vipassana meditation or mindfulness meditation. However, you need not set aside any special time to use this approach. You can begin now.
Research has shown that when most negative emotions are directly observed and mindfully experienced, they dissipate within 60-90 seconds. This finding illuminates a paradoxical truth: The willingness to experience uncomfortable emotions is the path to inner peace.
Summary
Resisting or avoiding unpleasant experiences feels good in the moment but impairs our ability to tolerate adversity over time. This leads to decreased well-being in the long term. On the other hand, accepting and confronting unpleasant experiences feels uncomfortable in the moment but improves our ability to tolerate adversity over time. This leads to increased well-being in the long term.
Just as strength training increases the amount of weight our muscles can lift, learning to sit with discomfort increases the intensity and range of unpleasant emotions and situations we can handle. This is a meta-skill that benefits virtually every area of our lives.
The practice of mindfulness is also useful for difficult thoughts and situations. In the next post, I will talk about how to apply it to stressful or disempowering thoughts.