The root of most problems

The other day I asked part of my audience what they struggle with the most. Here were some of their answers:

• Not standing up for myself and speaking my truth.

• Constantly trying to please others while inconveniencing myself.

• Not doing meaningful or exciting work.

• Getting distracted and not sticking with my goals.

• Worrying too much about the future.

• Not being able to let go of negative thoughts and emotions.

• Not having quality relationships.

Can you relate to any of these?

Here’s something that might surprise you…

These are only surface-level problems. They don’t get to the heart of the matter.

If you dig a little deeper, you’ll find that the common theme among all these challenges is…

FEAR.

Fear of rejection.

Fear of loneliness.

Fear of criticism.

Fear of failure.

Fear of success.

Fear of our own power.

Fear of discomfort.

…and so on.

But there’s an even DEEPER level of fear beneath all of these categories of fear.

It’s the ultimate fear that holds us back from changing our behavior or our circumstances.

It’s the fear at the root of all our other fears.

Are you ready?

Here it is:

It’s the fear that you won’t be able to handle it.

I know, it sounds too simple to be true. But think about it…

• You fear you won’t be able to handle the discomfort of speaking your truth.

• You fear you won’t be able to handle being rejected if you put yourself out there.

• You fear you won’t be able to handle failure if you don’t achieve your dreams.

• You fear you won’t be able to handle success if you achieve your dreams.

• You fear you won’t be able to handle what you’d learn about yourself if you stop judging others.

If you truly felt that you could handle whatever life threw at you, then the things you consider to be holding you back now wouldn’t be issues for you. You would just deal with them.

Here’s what this all comes down to:

The real work of personal development is not about changing the outer circumstances of our lives. It’s about developing our ability to handle whatever life throws at us.

If you find yourself facing the same problem over and over again, it’s likely because there’s a part of your character or personality that is undeveloped (or underdeveloped.)

The reason this part of you is undeveloped is because you’ve disowned it for some reason.

You’ve ignored it.

You’ve avoided it.

You’ve hidden it away.

In the language of depth psychology, these disowned parts become your “shadow.”

This is important to know because if you don’t confront your shadow, it will hold you back from living the kind of life you want.

So what’s the solution?

If you’ve been following along, you know I’ve been working on a program to help you develop and integrate these “disowned” parts of yourself.

Well, I have exciting news…

Enrollment for this program will open on Thursday, August 11th.

It will be a live, virtual group coaching program, which means I get to work with students on a more personal level.

(Of course, recordings will also be available).

I’m really excited about this!

If you want to be the first to be reminded when enrollment opens up, I recommend you sign up here.

(I’ll be offering massive early bird discount pricing to this group, too).

This program is the best, most useful thing I’ve ever created up until now.

I know this because the process of creating it has already transformed certain areas of my own life.

I’m excited to share what I’ve learned with you.

A simple way to improve your life

I have a tendency to overcomplicate things. When it comes to personal development, my rational brain loves to organize information into rules and principles.

The problem with this kind of thinking is that it can lead to paralysis by analysis. I start thinking of all the strategies and principles I’ve learned over the years and which one to apply to the situation, leading to confusion and overwhelm.

But there’s a simpler, more intuitive approach for achieving the outcomes you want. It’s something that has helped me to apply my knowledge in a much more natural way.

First, let’s look at the three primary components of personal development:

1. The outcome you want (goals)

2. The actions you take (behavior)

3. The person you are (identity)

Most people think goals are the main drivers of success, but they’re not. Goals are useful for giving us direction but, as James Clear has noted, both successful and unsuccessful people have the same goals.

So what actually drives success?

It’s the last two things on that list: The actions you take and the kind of person you are.

How do we take the right actions and be the kind of person that produces the outcomes we desire? By modeling.

Think about how you learned to get what you want as a kid. You didn’t read books or memorize rules on how to act. You learned how to behave by watching others.

You’ve been watching others act your whole life. That knowledge is still inside you but sometimes it’s difficult to retrieve because you’re overthinking or overanalyzing.

Try this instead:

1. Think of someone who has achieved your desired outcome or solved the problem you’re trying to solve. This can be a person you know personally or a public figure. (You can also think of the wisest version of yourself if you find that more useful.)

2. Ask yourself, “What would this person do in my situation?” or “How would this person approach the problem?” Be open to receiving an answer (Important: It may not necessarily be the answer you want to hear!)

3. Break down that action into the smallest step that you will actually take and…DO IT.

That’s basically it. It may sound simple but here’s why it works:

Learning is often more about remembering than it is about acquiring new information. Usually, we already know what we need to do. We just need to do it.

When you imagine someone who has already achieved the outcome you want and then ask yourself what they would do in your situation, you activate that latent knowledge within you.

At a basic level…

We know what we need to do to get in shape.

We know what we need to do to make more money.

We know what we need to do to improve our relationships.

The thing is, the actions required are usually not sexy. They are boring and sometimes uncomfortable. They are the fundamentals.

To get in shape, we need to exercise, eat better, etc.

To make more money, we need to work on our craft, make more sales, etc.

To improve our relationships we need to have difficult conversations, be more vulnerable, etc

Yes, there are more details to each of these. But you figure out the details as you go along. Eighty percent of the game is just nailing the fundamentals.

Remember, people who have achieved extraordinary things do the obvious thing for an inordinate period of time.

You got this.

P.S. If you feel stuck on a goal or problem and need help getting clarity and direction, I might be able to help. You can book a FREE 30-minute exploratory call with me here to see if we’re a good fit.