Here’s a life principle that is profoundly true—and also profoundly annoying:
“That which you most need will be found where you least want to look.”
In other words, it’s the very things we are uncomfortable or unfamiliar with that we must practice exposing ourselves to so we can learn to tolerate—and maybe even enjoy—them.
For example, I used to be terrified of criticism.
As a person whose “love language” is words of affirmation, criticism would trigger me and cause me to feel extremely defensive.
When I got the courage to lean into criticism instead of avoiding it, I made massive improvements in my writing, my parenting, and my marriage.
This is the principle at the heart of shadow work.
What’s shadow work, you ask?
Great question.
I consider it to be the most essential work of personal development, especially for men and women approaching their thirties and beyond.
Specifically, shadow work is the process of becoming conscious of the parts of yourself you’ve kept hidden from yourself and others (i.e. your shadow) and then integrating those parts into your personality in constructive ways.
For example, let's say you find yourself in a broken or fraught relationship.
Through shadow work, you might become conscious of some hidden resentment you’ve been harboring toward this person.
You might also realize your resentment is causing you to act in ways that are destroying the relationship.
In this case, part of your work might be to develop the assertiveness necessary to speak up for yourself and communicate your needs.
This might entail telling your partner something you've been holding back for years, perhaps out of fear or shame.
Sounds like fun right?!
Okay, before you give up on me, give me a minute to convince you why integrating your shadow is so vitally important for your health, wealth, and relationships.
At its most basic level, shadow work is about developing the parts of yourself you’ve ignored or repressed.
The reason this is so crucial is because when we ignore or repress something for too long, it festers and takes on an uglier, even more destructive form.
The small bills you ignore become a mountain of debt.
The anger you repress becomes depression, rage, or resentment.
The hard conversations you avoid lead to fractured relationships.
The fears you don’t face become terrifying monsters.
The business idea you put off becomes a broken, painful dream.
The self-critical thoughts you deny become louder and more intrusive.
Point is, if we don’t learn to integrate our shadow, it will cause all sorts of dysfunction.
It will wreak havoc on our mental health.
It will wreak havoc on our relationships.
It will wreak havoc on our finances.
It will wreak havoc on our lives.
By facing the things we least want to face, we begin to heal the dysfunction within ourselves and, by extension, the dysfunction in our external circumstances, too.
Shadow work begins when you:
Open that bill
Feel that unpleasant emotion
Have that hard conversation
Face that fear
Get started on that business idea
Cultivate compassion for those self-critical thoughts
Of course, this is all easier said than done.
And it’s a hell of a thing to try and go at alone.
Which brings me to that special announcement I mentioned…
Enrollment for my workshop, “Integrate and Thrive” is now open!
It's a 10-week immersive, live workshop where I guide you through the process of integrating your shadow so you can overcome self-sabotage, master your emotions, and unlock your hidden gifts.
By enrolling, you get:
Direct access to me as your coach
Access to the Integrate and Thrive community where you can ask questions and connect with others going through the same process as you
Ongoing support in between sessions from myself and/or someone on my team via the Integrate and Thrive Telegram group
Activities and exercises specifically designed to help you apply what you learn in practical and manageable ways
…and much more
I’m so excited to be doing this and I would be thrilled for you to join us.
You can learn more and enroll here.
To be clear, this workshop is NOT:
About positive thinking, constant reframing, or setting more and bigger goals.
An information overload where you learn "wisdom" without knowing how to make it work for you
Surface level advice that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside (we go DEEP every week)
This workshop IS about facing the things you least want to face.
It will be uncomfortable.
It will be frustrating.
At times, it will be infuriating.
And…it will be worth it.
If you want to meet the real you, come join us.
To your integrated Self,
Ruben
P.S. Enrollment for the Integrate and Thrive 10-Week Shadow Workshop is open now through Tuesday, August 30th at 12:00am midnight EST. Since it is a live and interactive workshop, there are a limited number of spots available. You can learn more and reserve your spot here.
