(If you’d rather consume this article in audio form, here you go.)
The internet makes it easy to live inside our own little content bubbles where we are protected from any viewpoints other than those with which we already agree.
But this is a big problem.
When we aren't exposed to opposing perspectives, we don’t learn how to relate to the people who hold them. As a result, our worldview becomes fragile and unable to integrate any information that challenges it. It also leads to disconnection from and condemnation of those views and people we don't agree with. We fear what we don’t know.
In the same way that dealing with challenges makes us better and more resilient, exposure to opposing viewpoints makes us intellectually sharper and more insightful.
A concern I've had for the past several years is that we seem to be isolating ourselves into separate moral tribes.
Of course, there’s nothing new about disagreement itself. Throughout history humans have always disagreed with each other. We've disagreed over which religion is best, how much taxes we should pay, who should lead our nations, and countless other things.
Over many thousands of years, humans have learned that the most sustainable way to work through most disagreements is by engaging with opposing views.
However, in the absence of robust discourse, humans—like other animals—tend to resort to physical violence as a means of persuading our enemies.
Basically, if we want to avoid riots and wars we have to have better conversations.
But it seems we are getting to the point in our culture where a mere difference in perspective or value judgement is itself intolerable. Each side is convinced that they are right and the other side is misguided, ignorant, or malicious.
I believe the solution to this problem has two parts:
Proactively exposing ourselves to different—and possibly even offensive—perspectives
Engaging with those perspectives in constructive ways
I recently spoke with someone who I believe is addressing the first part of this solution very well. Her name is Harleen Kaur and she is a former NASA engineer and the founder of Ground News.
Ground News is a news platform whose goal is to combat media bias by allowing users to compare how different news outlets from across the political spectrum are covering the same story.
You can listen to my conversation with Harleen here.
Now, to address the second part of the solution...
How do we constructively engage with people whose views conflict with our own?
I’ve put together a short list of tips based on research from communication books I've read and also my own trial and error. I thought it would be a good time to publish this, since we are approaching that time of year when we spend time with our wacky relatives ;-)
These suggestions are not meant to be implemented rigidly. Adapt them to the personality of the person or group with whom you’re engaging and also to the situation in which you find yourself.
6 Tips for Engaging With People You Disagree With
1. Actually listen.
This may seem obvious but sometimes the fundamentals are the most effective. In this case, the best strategy is often to simply pay attention to what the other person is saying. When one or more of the parties involved don’t feel as though they are being heard, it does not promote trust or good will—both of which are necessary to have a productive conversation.
Conversely, when both parties feel as though the other is truly listening to their points without an agenda, it goes a long way in smoothing over rough patches and maintaining an open mind.
2. Restate their argument.
How do you prove you’re listening? By echoing to the other person what they've just said. You may even consider setting up a rule for yourself: Only state your views after you can restate the other person’s views to their satisfaction.
"So, if I understand you correctly, what you're saying is [XYZ]…Is that right?"
If you can manage it, try to make their point even stronger than they did. This is called “steel-manning.” It stands in contrast to our ineffective default strategy of "straw manning," or attacking the flimsiest, weakest version of someone’s position.
Why go through all this trouble? As I’ve mentioned, it shows that you’re listening with the intention to understand. But there's another benefit: when you steel man your opponent’s argument before you make your own, you make your argument appear stronger and more credible.
3. Be honest about what you don’t know.
Not even the smartest people in the world can know everything about everything. So don’t pretend you do. Especially when talking about contentious topics, be honest about what you know and what you don’t know. When you are honest about what you don’t know, you will seem more credible when you assert something you do know. When you humble yourself, you disarm people and give them a chance to be gracious toward you.
4. Assume other people’s motives are just as pure as your own.
It’s extremely easy to dismiss those who disagree with us as ignorant or misinformed. It’s much harder to consider that these people may be just like us—decent human beings who are trying to understand reality and navigate it as best they can.
We must come to terms with an unsettling reality: there are good people with good intentions who want the same outcome as us…but whose views happen to conflict with our own.
Of course, some people are not operating in good faith. Trolls exist, after all. But as long as someone is being reasonably respectful and trying to make their points, give them the benefit of the doubt.
5. Ask questions.
As a general rule, people love to be asked questions. It makes us feel important and respected.
How did you come to that view?
What do you think of people who say X?
Where did you learn that?
Whenever you disagree with someone, approach the conversation as if you're just trying to clarify your own thoughts. And in truth, this is what you should be doing. Research has shown that we tend to know less than we think we do on a given topic. We often confuse intense emotions and strong intuitions for knowledge and certainty.
Before countering someone’s position, you might even consider asking them permission first: Are you open to a different perspective on this?
6. Try to see the humanity in everyone.
Humans are tribal creatures by nature. Our default pattern is to “otherize” and even dehumanize those we deem different from us. This difference could be rooted in the physical appearance of others but it could also be rooted in their views.
To counterbalance this natural tendency, we must remember that people are much more than their beliefs. Our perceived opponents are rarely the one-dimensional monsters our minds have made them out to be. Just because someone has views we disagree with does not mean we get to cancel him or her as a person.
Certainly, we must hold people accountable who have committed egregious acts. This is what our legal system is for, after all. In everyday life, however, we must separate the person from his or her views. A person can have disagreeable and even wrong views. But we must remember that he or she is still a sister, a brother, a mother, a father, a friend, a coworker and a million other things. That person has hopes, dreams, anxieties, and problems, just like we do.
Furthermore, shaming people is a terrible strategy for influencing them. In fact, it often causes them to dig their heels in further or behave destructively. Also, when we dismiss a person or a group based solely on certain views they hold, we cut ourselves off from the possibility of discovering other views of theirs which may be insightful.
To Sum Up…
True progress is not made by isolating ourselves from opposing perspectives but by actively engaging with them. True understanding begins when we make a serious attempt to hear where our perceived opponents are coming from.
The downside of exposing yourself to opposing views is that it’s uncomfortable and destabilizing. But the downside of not doing so is that you never learn anything new.
Remember the old proverb:
“A wise person knows there is something to be learned from everyone.”
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