In a previous post, I outlined our six basic needs for well-being: Relationships, Autonomy, Mastery, Novelty, Meaning, and Pleasure.
I also pointed out how each of these needs supports one of two fundamental modes of being—either growth or stability—which are in constant tension with each other.
I tried to make the case that well-being is the process of consistently meeting our diverse and conflicting needs in balanced and constructive ways.
In this post, I’ll share with you one approach for applying this information on a personal level to create more harmony in your life. I’ll share with you some of the ways in which I personally meet each need in my own life and offer some questions to help you assess whether or not you are honoring each need in yours.
If you answer ‘no’ to all (or even most) of the questions under each need, it’s likely you are not sufficiently meeting that need. This information is crucial because chronically unmet needs eventually manifest as dysfunction or imbalance of one sort or another.
(By the way, if you need some extra help navigating your needs and creating more balance in your life, I’m offering a few one-on-one coaching sessions this month. You can click here for more info or to book a session.)
1. RELATIONSHIP NEEDS
We are social creatures. Indeed, much of our well-being depends on our relationships with others. This is a vulnerable and difficult thing to admit for many people, especially in a culture that prizes individualism.
How I meet this need:
As someone who tends toward introversion, I need to make a concerted effort to connect with others. For me, this involves making time to have quality conversations with my wife (outside of our parenting roles) and scheduling recurring phone/zoom calls with people who enrich my life, including friends and family. This was an especially important habit during 2020, when in-person social interaction was extremely limited.
Questions to consider:
Do you have someone in your life you can talk to about both your frustrations and joys?
Do you talk with friends or family at least once a week?
Are you involved in a social group, outside of your family or work (i.e. church, sports, book club, etc)?
Do you have at least one person in your life that helps keep you accountable?
2. AUTONOMY NEEDS
The flipside to relationships is our need to operate as individuals, exert our will, and express ourselves freely. We are self-determining creatures.
How I meet this need:
For me, this takes two forms: making time to be alone to freely explore my thoughts and setting proper boundaries with others so that I feel respected in my relationships.
Questions to consider:
Do you feel like you have freedom to live your life as you want to?
Do you feel free to express yourself?
Do you feel your personal boundaries and needs are respected by others?
3. MASTERY NEEDS
We are creatures of habit. We need to feel competent and in control of our environment.
How I meet this need:
One way I meet this need is through having daily rituals and habits. Creating and following systems prevents us from constantly having to make every decision from scratch, which wastes precious time and energy.
Another simple way I satisfy this need is by keeping my work environment organized and tidy, creating a familiar space that minimizes distractions and allows me to work in peace.
I also derive a sense of mastery by proactively confronting difficulties in my life rather than ignoring them. Facing and accepting unpleasant situations sends a signal to the brain that we can handle whatever life throws at us, which increases resilience.
Questions to consider:
Do you have a daily routine?
Do you have a job or consistent work that occupies your time?
Do you feel competent in at least one area of your life?
Do you face problems and issues as they arise in your life or do you habitually ignore them?
4. NOVELTY NEEDS
The flipside of Mastery is Novelty. We are creative and exploratory creatures. While it’s true that we require a degree of security and control in our lives, we also need problems to solve, adventures to go on, and new territory to explore. These are things that help us to learn and grow. Indeed, if we find ourselves without problems for too long, we start creating them.
How I meet this need:
I'm constantly challenging myself to read books and learn material that is just above my level. This helps expose me to new ideas that sharpen my thinking. (For the past couple years, I’ve been doing a deep dive into the classic works of philosophy and psychology.)
I also plan on learning to play the guitar in the future.
Questions to consider:
Do you regularly engage in challenging activities, either through your work or otherwise?
Do you take the time to consider new ideas and perspectives, even if they challenge your own?
Do you engage in creative or exploratory behavior at least once a month?
Do you allow yourself to follow your curiosity and excitement?
5. MEANING NEEDS
We need to feel as though we are part of something bigger than ourselves. We need to understand the bigger picture and our role in it. Traditionally, we’ve derived a sense of meaning from myths, spirituality, and religion. We are meaning-making and story-telling creatures.
How I meet this need:
I love getting into nature. Simply going for a hike on a picturesque trail or gazing up at the star-studded sky is often enough to put me into a state of awe and gratitude. Indeed, beauty of any kind can spark a sense of meaning in me. I’ve had transcendent experiences while walking through the Redwood forests of northern California and also standing in front of the Duomo in Florence.
Another source of meaning for me is working on big-picture, intrinsically motivating goals -- my book being the primary one. Pursuing something worthwhile helps to organize our actions. It properly orients us in life by helping us identify where we are and clarify where we’re going.
Pursuing these types of goals also involves sacrifice, which, when done in the service of a properly chosen aim, is inherently meaningful (though not always pleasant).
Questions to consider:
Do you feel you have an overarching theme or purpose to your life?
Do you feel connected to something bigger than yourself?
Do you have a clearly defined role or identity?
Are you clear about where you fit into the bigger picture?
6. PLEASURE NEEDS
This is the flipside to Meaning. If meaning is about the context of our experience, pleasure is about the content of it. We have sensual, emotional, and psychological needs that we must satisfy in order to sustain well-being. We are pleasure-seeking creatures.
How I meet this need:
I do my best to carve out time every now and then to engage in activities for no other reason than because they bring me joy. This might include watching a show with my wife, eating half a pint of my favorite ice cream, having a glass of wine, or just going on a walk by myself.
This is sometimes hard to do without feeling guilty, especially for people, like me, who feel a sense of commitment to being productive.
Questions to consider:
Do you regularly give yourself permission to do things you enjoy?
Do you allow yourself to feel positive emotions on a regular basis?
Do honor your desires (within reason)?
* * * *
Well-being is not simply about seeking positive emotions. Rather, it’s about living in a way that honors the full range of human experience, which is encompassed by these six dimensions. If we want to live a good life, then, we must learn how to meet these diverse and conflicting needs in healthy and sustainable ways.
Which of these needs is easiest for you to meet? Which do you struggle with?
Ruben Chavez is a writer and host of The Think Grow Podcast.